To the numbness I felt, when I heard of your departure. Even after I never saw you in person, the news left me blank for hours. It felt like a huge loss of multiple opportunities. A void and immediate guilt of not knowing you enough. My brain knitting possibilities of how I could have prioritized things better to have a different closure for myself. A selfish thought, I know.
But, as I sit down writing my goodbye for you, attempting on this sense of closure for myself, all I can feel is curiousness. An urge to have a complete picture of you, of knowing you better. Partially because, you did try to give me a chance to pacify all the ‘what-ifs’ that I am now left with.
As I write this, I find myself imagining everything about you. I keep wondering about all the questions I would have asked or things I would have noticed about you. Like how heavy was your voice, if you were a loud laugher, how your hands looked like, if you were a foodie or how lit your eye would be talking about your life highlights. To all the wisdom you would have shared from your life stories. Like what would have been your hand down life lessons to your third generation, what are few important foundations you were proud of or if you ever thought of any vision for the family after you. An actual loss of opportunity, you see.
And all I now have is, shared stories. A picture I will paint through different versions, a continuous process of fading and developing details, trying to live up to how you would have wanted me in the family. And not to miss, I cannot stop imagining everything you would have said after meeting me, or how our bond would have been over time.
But, I am also extremely grateful for sharing a minute from the impromptu videocall we managed. My heart goes full as I adore the pictures I have collected, about your live reactions at the family trip, to the jokes you cracked about me, to the live incidents I have heard and will keep on hearing as if a band-aid was already labelled with my name for me to fall back on.
They say you actually exemplified living life king size and that your heart was always wild and free. But I would always remember you as the last picture of you, sitting on that chair, lost in your thoughts, looking at those lush green plants, peacefully. Because it was the first time I resonated the most with you. It felt as if I understood you there and it still makes me smile.
I know you have reached where you wanted to be, and have started the journey of afterlife, the way you imagined it to be. I send my sincerest prayers and love for the reunion and celebration with your long lost partner, sitting side-by-side, and explaining all about meetha dard you felt all these years after her. I imagine you trying to fill her with all the life details with the biggest grin on your face.
I imagine both of you being so proud of the ‘human orchard’ you gave your entire life to, looking at the beautiful hearts, their values, and them achieving milestones by milestones. Both of you have been the big Banyan tree to let all these unique planters breathe, grow and flourish under your shade. They will always continue to bloom, because of you two. A true legacy, by all means.
Keep being the guardian angels of this orchard, guiding and pushing us to do the right things and create a meaningful path for ourselves.
I, on the other side, will continue collecting your puzzle pieces, absorbing my share of memories through your remaining stories, till we meet and talk in person. But this time, make sure you remember my name right!
Rest in power and keep smiling, our guardian angel.
My Hidden Creek 